COOL INDIAN JOKES: October 2008

Indian rail budget by Lalu in funny English

Foreign tourist visiting Agra and Delhi

A foreign tourist hired a guide for his trip to Agra and Delhi.
He admired the beauty of Taj at Agra
and asked how many years it took to build.

"12 years" - The guide replied.

"12 Years!! You Indians are so lazy" - The tourist said ,
"In my country, this could have been done in 4 years"

Next day he went to visit the Red Fort.
He admired it's architecture
and asked how many years it took to build.

"21" - The guide replied.

"21 Years!! You Indians are very slow" - The tourist said ,
"In my country, this could have been done in 7 years"

In this manner he said that every building he liked
could have been built in one third of the time.

Finally they reached Qutub Meenar at Delhi.
The tourist asked what it was and how long it took to build.
The guide replied - "I don't know, because it was not there ,
when i came here yesterday evening"

Coincidence

Teacher - " Can anybody give an example of coincidence?"
Student - "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday, sametime."

Goat and buffallow

Mayawati came to Lalu's House riding a Goat.
Lalu - "Why did you bring a buffallow?"
Mayawati - "Can't you see, this is a goat "
Lalu - "I know, i was asking her only"

Merriage and divorce

Santa - "I got married, because i was tired of cooking and washing clothes"
Banta - "But , i got divorce for the same reason"

Go to hell

Mulla Nasrudin went to a church with his illiterate wife.
There was a small board on the door.
"What is written on the board?" -
asked the wife of Mulla Nasruddin.

"THIS IS THE HOUSE OF GOD - THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN” -
Mulla replied and tried to open the door , but found it locked.
He turned to his wife and said -
"In other words they have written - GO TO HELL!!!".

Horse in the bar

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"

Bollywood movies and Software Professionals

Movies and their meaning to s/w professionals-
Sajan Chale Sasural : Computer professional coming to US.
1942 a Love story : Sticking to one company for more than a year.
Dil to Pagal Hai : Staying in India, dreaming of US.
Sapnay : Green card.
Sadma : Rejected H-1(B) Visa.
Khalnayak : Bodyshoppers.
Deewana Mastana : Project Manager - Team Leader.
Beta : Home Phone bill exceeding $400pm.
Rakhwala : Project Manager.
Mr. Bechara : Computer professional in Singapore.
Zanjeer : Company bond.
Himmatwala : Breaking company bond.
Tohfa : H-4 Visa for your Wife.
Mawaali : Before coming to US.
Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman : Once you are in US.
Chaudhvin ka Chand : Assembly programmer.
Sahib Bibi aur Ghulam : Client, your company and you.
Shehanshah : Bill Gates.
Admi Sadak Ka : Jumping from company to company.
Dayawan : Company paying full salary in bench
Anari : Year2000 programmer.
Phool Aur Kaanten : Microsoft - IBM.
Aaj Ka Gunda Raaj : Microsoft Monopoly in IT market.
Maharaja : Doctors who came to US in 70's
Hairaan : Non-Computer professionals on seeing computer professional's pay-check.
Hum Aapke Hain Koun : Illegal Immigrants in US
Aur Pyar Ho Gaya : After staying in US for a Year.
Pardes : India after 2 Years.
Daud : Coming to US.
Rangeela : After getting Green Card.
Bahaar Aane Tak : Time period between Green Card and Citizenship.
Desh Premee : Going back to India for good
Farz : Going to India every year.
Pyaasa : Longing for a Visa.
Agneepath : Going to Madras Consulate for getting a Visa.
Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar : After coming from consulate with a Visa.
Bud Naseeb : Not getting a Visa
Himalaya Putra : Firmly asking for $70k from India
Elan-E-Jung : Asking for increment
Gupt : Agreement of Programmer with number of consultants
. Zakmee : After getting rejected twice for a Visa.
Swarg Se Sundar : on landing in US.
Ab Kya Hoga? : Applied for Green Card too late.
Jallad : INS People.
Kranti : Increase H-1 quota.
Main Khiladi Tu Anari : You and Immigration Officer.

The parrot

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor's turkey and rushes back home before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what the parrot has been up to. The owner of the parrot reprimands him and tells him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrot's head.

That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbor's turkey again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side to the right"

Then two bald guys walk in and he says, "Alright, you two turkey fuckers up here on the piano with me."

Indian cricket team

Judge asks the little boy - "You know that your parents are getting divorced.
Do you want to live with your mummy?"
The boy - "No, my mummy beats me."
"Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy."
"No, my daddy beats me too."
"Well then, who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !"

Gandhi jayanti

Professor -"What do you know about Gandhi Jayanti(Gandhi Birth Day anniversary)?"
Munna Bhai - "Gandhi was a popular man, but i dont know who Jayanti was."

Azhar went to bat

Caller to Indian Cricket Team Manager (over mobile phone) -"Can I talk to Azharuddin Please,I am his friend and calling from Hyderabad."
The Manager -"Sorry,he went to bat"
The caller - "No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"

Demand

Manager - "From your Resume, i know that you've had five jobs in last wo months."
Applicant - "Yes sir, but doesn't that show, how much in demand i am?"

Sardar losts his dog

Sardar - "I have lost my dog"
Police Inspector - "Why dont you place an advertisement in the newspaper?"
Sardar - "Don't be silly, inspector! My dog can't read!"

Contacts

A police man stops a lady and asks for her licence.
He says - "Lady, according to the law you should be wearing glasses."
The Women answered - "I have contacts."
The police man replied - "I don't care whom you know! I'm still giving you Fine ticket!"

Will power

"Mummy, please give me another piece of ice-cream" - said the son.
"But you've had ten already" - her mother pointed out.
"Just one more mummy."
"Well, this must be the last."
"Thank you, mummy - but I must say that you've got no will- power."

Capital of Russia

A Gujrati was yelling in the Church after the Chapel - "Oh God! Please make London the Capital of Russia!"
The priest inquired - "Why must you pray so, my child?"
Gujrati - "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"

Do you drink?

"Do you drink?" the girl's father inquired of his prospective son-in-law."
"First tell me whether it is a question or an invitation" asked son-in-law.

Wills

A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked for one 'Will' cigarette.
The shopkeeper said that the name of the cigarette is 'Wills', not 'Will.
The Bihari replied - "I need just one cigarette, not the whole packet,
so why should i ask for 'Wills'. Give me just one 'Will' cigarette"

Expiry date

Wife - " Honey , What are You Looking for ? "
Husband - "Nothing."
Wife - " Nothing.? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour ? "
Husband - "I was just looking 4 the expiry date. "

Report card

Father to son after exam - "let me see your report card."
Son - "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

The modern art

Sardar at an Art Gallery - " I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?"
Art dealer - " I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror! "

The postman

Postman - "I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet "
Sardar - "why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it"

Sardar's wish

Sardar's wish - " i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the
passengers in the car he was driving.. "

Niagara Falls

Guide - "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"

Girl friend

Santa - "What is a girl friend?"
Banta - " Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends."

Slow writing

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked -" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar - "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast. "

Sharing worries

Girlfriend - " When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden."
Boyfriend - " It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. "
Girlfriend - " Well that is because we aren't married yet."

The biggest problem

Wife- " You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? "
Husband - " When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. "
Wife - " You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? "
Husband - " Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?"

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